Chris Rock Quotes - Life Lessons in Humor

Welcome to the world of Chris Rock Quotes! Chris Rock is one of the most celebrated comedians of the 21st century, with a career spanning over three decades and countless awards. His humor is always fearless, sharp, and often pushes the boundaries of what is considered acceptable. Here you will find some of his most memorable quotes that have entertained and inspired generations.

Funny Chris Rock quotes

🟤“Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn’t even the star of his own Halloween special.” – Chris Rock

🟤“Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.” – Chris Rock

🟤“Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn’t pay for the electricity, he’d pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.” – Chris Rock

🟤“I don’t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there’s no rehab for stupidity.” – Chris Rock

🟤“I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.” – Chris Rock

🟤“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock

“If a kid calls his grandma “Mommy” and his mama “Pam”, he’s going to jail!” – Chris Rock

🟤“Much like rock ‘n’ roll, school shootings were invented by the black man and stolen by the whites.” – Chris Rock

🟤“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.” – Chris Rock

🟤“Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.” – Chris Rock

🟤“Women are like the police, they could have all the evidence in the world but they still want the confession.” – Chris Rock

Wise Chris Rock quotes

🟤“A sense of humor is great – it goes a long way in a marriage.” – Chris Rock

🟤“Funny is only something that others know about you — you can’t be funny by yourself.” – Chris Rock

🟤“Hollywood’s just not funny.” – Chris Rock

🟤“I think my best work is when I’m kind of in charge.” – Chris Rock

🟤“Listen to people that are smarter than you.” – Chris Rock

🟤“Men lie the most. Men lie all the time.” – Chris Rock

🟤“No matter what happens or how difficult things become, you will eventually feel better.” – Chris Rock

🟤“Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.” – Chris Rock

🟤“Pretty girls have problems too.” – Chris Rock

🟤“Put your heart, mind, and soul into even your smallest acts. This is the secret of success.” – Chris Rock

🟤“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.” – Chris Rock

🟤“The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.” – Chris Rock

🟤“Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it’s about having a lot of options.” – Chris Rock

🟤“When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative.” – Chris Rock

“With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.” – Chris Rock

🟤“You can be anything you’re good at.” – Chris Rock

🟤“You don’t pay taxes – they take taxes.” – Chris Rock

🟤“You get what you pay for.” – Chris Rock

🟤“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.” – Chris Rock

Chris Rock quotes about being a parent

🟤“Everybody takes daddy for granted. Just listen to the radio: Everything’s momma. What’s the daddy song? Papa Was A Rolling Stone.” – Chris Rock

🟤“Here’s the thing. When we talk about race relations in America or racial progress, it’s all nonsense. There are no race relations. White people were crazy. Now they’re not as crazy. To say that black people have made progress would be to say they deserve what happened to them before.” – Chris Rock

🟤“I literally don’t know what I’m going to do next. That’s successful.” – Chris Rock

🟤“I want my name to be a brand in comedy. I hope my name stands for comedic excellence.” – Chris Rock

🟤“I’ve seen women who don’t have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.” – Chris Rock

🟤“If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner.” – Chris Rock

🟤“If your work is so smart that only smart people get it, it’s not that smart.” – Chris Rock

🟤“Kids always act up the most before they go to sleep.” – Chris Rock

🟤“My daughter had a basketball game; the coach didn’t put her in. It was a real close game, she’s not the greatest — didn’t put her in. My wife’s pissed off. I’m a little pissed but my thing is, ‘Hey honey, you know there’s a way to get in the game.’ I’m just saying. Some kids actually got in the game.” – Chris Rock

🟤“Nobody’s about saving anymore. No one cares about a rainy day anymore. Nobody saves up enough for even an umbrella for a rainy day. It’s sad. It really is a new form of slavery. We used to work to be able to afford material things. Now we work for these things. They’re the boss. That house you can’t afford, that car that’s out of your price range, that cellphone that drains your bank account – that’s your boss.” – Chris Rock

🟤“Now that I have children, I realize taking care of my children is more fun than anything in the whole world.” – Chris Rock

🟤“One of my daughters told me the other day, ‘Kevin Hart is funnier than you, Daddy.’ I told her, ‘Does Kevin Hart make you pancakes?’” – Chris Rock

“Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.” – Chris Rock

🟤“Think about everything a real daddy does: pay the bills, buy the food, make your world a better, safer place. And what does daddy get for all of his work? The big piece of chicken. That’s what daddy gets.” – Chris Rock

🟤“Two kids are easier than one because they play together. When you’ve got one you’ve got to be the show. When you’ve got two you’ve just got to be the usher. They can play in the park while you’re reading the paper. ‘Hey hey hey! Get off her hair!’ Then you go back to reading. One kid is horrible. Have a bunch of kids or have none at all.” – Chris Rock

🟤“We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed.” – Chris Rock

🟤“When I hear people talk about juggling or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they’re crazy because sacrifice infers that there was something better to do than the thing – than being with your children. And I’ve never been with my kids and gone, ‘Man, I wish I was on my stage right now.’ I’ve never been with my kids and gone, ‘Man, it’d be so great if I was on a movie set right now.’ But I’ve been doing a movie and wished that I was with my kids, I’ve been on tour and wished that I was with my kids. Being with my kids is the best, most fun thing. It’s a privilege. It’s not something I call a sacrifice.” – Chris Rock

🟤“You don’t know how good you can be at anything until you have kids. My single friends, the three or four I have, they’re always like, ‘I don’t have enough money.’ I’m like, ‘Hey, have some kids, you’ll make money.’ There is something about kids that makes you make it happen … You’ve got a new scheme every day. There is no relaxing when you have kids.” – Chris Rock

🟤“You know, you get famous and you work in these weird jobs and you don’t have a lot in common with people. But once you have kids, you have everything in common with everybody.” – Chris Rock

🟤“You’ve got girls so you might have to watch out. You might have to hurt somebody. If Lola came home and told me a guy hit her, I would get my gun and shoot the guy. I would put DNA on the bullet to make sure everybody knows I did it.” – Chris Rock

Chris Rock Quotes That Foreshadowed His Divorce

🟤“We Can’t Have Gay Marriage ’cause Marriage Is Sacred, It Happens In The Church. Marriage Is Sacred, It’s Sacred. No, It’s Not, Not In America, Not In A Country That Watches Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire? And The Bachelor And The Bachelorette And Who Wants To Marry A Midget. Get The Fuck Outta Here. Shit, Michael Jackson Got Married, How Fucking Sacred Is That Shit?”

🟤“You Can Be Married And Bored, Or Single And Lonely. Ain’t No Happiness Nowhere.”

🟤“Shit, Every Woman In Here Got A Girlfriend They Don’t Trust Around Their Man. A Good Girlfriend Too, It’s Like, Yeah, I’ll Go Shopping With Her, But I Ain’t Gonna Leave That Bitch Alone With My Man For Five Minutes, No.” I Remember One Time, I Was At A Restaurant With Me, My Wife, And Her Girlfriend. And My Wife Gets Up And Goes, “Honey, I’m Going To The Bathroom.” And I’m Like, “All Right, Honey, I’ll See You When You Get Back.” And She Goes, “No, You Coming With Me!” She Made Me Come With Her To The Bathroom! And She Did The Right Thing, ’cause I’d Have Fucked The Girl; I’da Fucked Her. I’d Have Fucked Her On A Damn Quesadilla, I Didn’t Give A Fuck.”

🟤“See… Relationships Are Hard, Man. For Order, For Any Relationship To Work, Both People Have To Be On The Same Page, Both People Have To Have The Same Focus, And We All Know What That Page Is. We All Know What That Focus Is. In Order For The Relationship To Work Both People Have To Have The Same Focus, And What’s That Focus? That Focus Is All About Her! It’s All About Her!”

🟤“God Will Send You A Double Date With The Perfect Couple. Have You Ever Made The Mistake Of Going On A Double Date With The Perfect Couple? You’re In The Middle Of Your Bullshit Relationship And You Actually Sit Down With Two People That Are Actually In Love. You Can’t Even Eat Your Food Cause You Can’t Believe What The Fuck You Are Witnessing. You Got A Fork In Your Hand Like, Oh Shit! He’s Really Listening To What She’s Got To Say! Wow! They Really Like Being Around Each Other! Man, We Can’t Hang With Them No More, They Gonna Break Us Up. Can’t Let These Happy Motherfuckers Fuck Up My Life!”Br>”

Extremely Hysterical Chris Rock Quotes

🟤“A bunch of girls say, ‘You don’t need no man to help you raise no child’ … shut the fuck up with the bullshit! Yeah, you could do it without a man, but that don’t mean it’s to be done! Shit, you can drive a car with your feet if you want to, that don’t make it a good fucking idea!” – Chris Rock

🟤“A man is only as faithful as his options.” – Chris Rock

🟤“Aw, man, they gave ’em the Oscar on stage. Next they’re gonna give the Oscars in the parking lot. It’ll be like a drive-through Oscar lane. You get an Oscar and a McFlurry and keep on moving.” – Chris Rock

🟤“Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn’t even the star of his own Halloween special.” – Chris Rock

🟤“Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you’re up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.” – Chris Rock

🟤“Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.” – Chris Rock

🟤“George Bush hates midgets.” – Chris Rock

🟤“Have you been watching American Idol? They have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul judgin’ the singin. Paula Abdul?! Gettin’ Paula Abdul to judge a singin’ contest is like gettin’ Christopher Reeve to judge a dance contest!” – Chris Rock

“I ain’t shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war’s over, I’ll be the faggot with two legs.” – Chris Rock

🟤“I don’t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there’s no rehab for stupidity.” – Chris Rock

🟤“I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.” – Chris Rock

🟤“I love music. Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life.” – Chris Rock

🟤“I’m a nerd. I’m a little guy…the last guy you’d expect in a romantic movie.” – Chris Rock

“I’m watching the news … Tupac Shakur was assassinated, Biggie Smalls assassinated, struck down by assassin’s bullets … no, they wasn’t. Martin Luther King was assassinated, Malcolm X was assassinated, John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Them two niggas got shot! Shit, I love Tupac, I love Biggie, but school will be open on their birthday.” – Chris Rock

🟤“I’ve never seen stunt casting that’s actually funny: ‘Oh, it’s Shaq,’ and then there’s some horrible excuse for him to dunk, … It’s, like, ‘We got a famous guy, and he’s gonna be famous tonight’ — and it sucks!” – Chris Rock

🟤“If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty.” – Chris Rock

🟤“It’s hard for a man to turn down sex… if they chase us, we can’t run that fast.” – Chris Rock

🟤“Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, ‘I was at Kevin’s house!’ A woman lie is like, ‘It’s your baby!’” – Chris Rock

🟤“Much like rock ‘n’ roll, school shootings were invented by the black man and stolen by the whites.” – Chris Rock

🟤“Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah’s money, he’d jump out a f*****’ window and slit his throat on the way down saying, ‘I can’t even put gas in my plane!’” – Chris Rock

🟤“So you gotta look at OJ’s situation. He’s paying $25,000 a month in alimony, got a another man driving around in his car and fucking his wife in a house he’s still paying the mortgage on.

🟤“Now I’m not saying he should have killed her… but I understand.” – Chris Rock

🟤“The government hates rap. That’s why they don’t arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive!

🟤“They don’t fill out a police report. They don’t even have a chalk line when it’s a dead rapper, they just take a piss around the body.” – Chris Rock

🟤“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” – Chris Rock

🟤“We got so much food in America we’re allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain’t allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda’s got a fucking lactose intolerance?!” – Chris Rock

🟤“Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.” – Chris Rock

🟤“Women would rule the world – if only they’d stop bitchin’ about each other.” – Chris Rock

🟤“You don’t need no gun control. You know what you need? We need some bullet control. Man, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost $5000. $5000 for a bullet. You know why? ‘Cause if a bullet costs $5000, there’d be no more innocent bystanders. … Every time someone gets shot, people will be like, “Damn, he must have did something. He put $50,000 worth of bullets in his ass!” N****s will say “I would blow your f***** head off–if I could afford it! I’m gonna get me another job, I’m gonna start saving some money, and then you’re dead man!. You better hope I can’t get no bullets on layaway!” – Chris Rock

🟤“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon.’ Need I say more?” – Chris Rock

🟤“You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain’t no happiness nowhere.” – Chris Rock

Most Famous Chris Rock Quotes

🟤“A man is only as faithful as his options.”

🟤“Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.”

🟤“I don’t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there’s no rehab for stupidity.”

🟤“Listen to people that are smarter than you.”

🟤“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”

🟤“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.”

🟤“Yeah, I love being famous. It’s almost like being white, y’know”

🟤“You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain’t no happiness nowhere.”

🟤“You can only offend me if you mean something to me.”

🟤“You don’t pay taxes – they take taxes.”

Chris Rock Quotes on Black and White of America

🟤“We got a justice system for rich, for poor, for black, for white. We live in a country where two people can do the exact same crime in the exact same place at the exact same time and get a different sentence.”

“Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.”

🟤“Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.”

🟤“People are always going to, you know, find something wrong with people who are not the exact same as them. That’s just what it is. Black, white, short, tall, religions, whatever. People are bad.”

Inspirational Chris Rock Quotes About Life

🟤“With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.”

🟤“Put your heart, mind, and soul into even your smallest acts. This is the secret of success.”

🟤“I think it’s better to have ideas. You can change an idea; changing a belief is trickier.”

🟤“Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it’s about having a lot of options.”

🟤“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”

🟤“Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.”

🟤“You are in a competition… Every room you’re in, you’re competing with the people that played that room and you have to be at least as good as the other people that played that room.”

🟤“Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.”

🟤“No matter what happens or how difficult things become, you will eventually feel better.”

🟤“Now that I have children, I realize taking care of my children is more fun than anything in the whole world.”

Chris Rock Quotes on Doing Stand-up Comedy

🟤“Everything’s funny — in the right context and done by the right person.”

🟤“Funny is only something that others know about you — you can’t be funny by yourself.”

🟤“I’ll go back to comedy clubs when they get a real no-camera policy, the same way they did with smoking.”

🟤“When I do stand-up, I’m basically doing a one-man show.”

Chris Rock quotes that are blunt but true

🟤“Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.”

🟤“Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.”

🟤“Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don’t want to be the old guy in the club.”

🟤“Everything’s funny — in the right context and done by the right person.”

🟤“Funny is only something that others know about you — you can’t be funny by yourself.”

🟤“Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn’t have any innocent bystanders.”

🟤“I think it’s better to have ideas. You can change an idea; changing a belief is trickier.”

🟤“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boos was trying to say? ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’”

🟤“Listen to people that are smarter than you.”

🟤“No matter what happens or how difficult things become, you will eventually feel better.”

🟤“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”

🟤“Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah’s money, he’d jump out a f***ing window and slit his throat on the way down saying, ‘I can’t even put gas in my plane!’”

“Put your heart, mind, and soul into even your smallest acts. This is the secret of success.”

🟤“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”

🟤“There are only three things that women need in life: food, water, and compliments.”

🟤“Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it’s about having a lot of options.”

🟤“When I hear people talk about juggling or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they’re crazy because ‘sacrifice‘ infers that there was something better to do than being with your children.” ”

🟤“When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative.

🟤“With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.”

🟤“You are in a competition… Every room you’re in, you’re competing with the people that played that room and you have to be at least as good as the other people that played that room.

🟤“You can be anything you’re good at.”